Thursday, January 24, 2013

19 weeks and letter-writing

Another week and Decimal and I will be halfway through this gig!

Side-sleeping is getting more comfortable (thank goodness!) and Decimal's kicks can now be felt.  I love that.  In honor of Decimal's first noticeable kicks, I began my written letter to Decimal (I'm still working on my letter to AEMA, three years letter).  I notice something new with Decimal's letter: the blissful ignorance and rosy anxiety I had when I was pregnant with AEMA is gone.  I know what it's like with one, and I know it's going to be a whole lot harder with two.  My temper is already short with a toddler; what will it be like when I'm trying to protect an infant from the enthusiasm of said toddler?

In this pregnancy, I'm amply conscious of my family's lack of support in the Bay Area.  With one, it's been okay.  My job has been amazingly understanding, and so has Hubby's in recent months.  But with two?  How will we manage?  What's going to happen when Decimal gets mobile?  And suppose everything isn't as easy with Decimal as it has been with AEMA--suppose Decimal is a little hellraiser, rather than a sweet, sleepy, sociable baby?  Suppose Decimal has a special medical condition (or several) that requires extra or constant care? 

I don't anticipate extraordinary difficulties.  What I anticipate is that things will go as smoothly as they have with AEMA, but with the added complication of having to give attention to two creatures at two stages of life instead of just one.  But other difficulties may present themselves nevertheless.  Our life in 4.5 months could--no, it WILL--be radically different. 

Let me tell you, being a parent is a serious job.  That seriousness weighs on me far more heavily this time around than last time.  It shows in the very first part of my letter to Decimal.  As I wonder how things will play out I wonder, will we--my husband and I--be enough for them?  Will we be the kind of parents we want to be?  Will we learn to let go of our frustrations more, rather than less?

Time will tell.  I'm glad I'm writing to Decimal and AEMA about these things, because I'll be able to look back with them and see how my questions shaped my future answers.  As a parent of a future second child, I'm called more than ever to self-awareness and self-transcendence.  Perhaps by working it out now, I'll have a chance of doing a good job when little Decimal finally arrives.

No comments:

Post a Comment